Mr. Kim came to Canada; he had dreams; did he realize them?
 

(지난 호에 이어)

Kim did not realize how lonely the kids would feel at the teach-parent meeting, when they saw that other children were accompanied by their parents.

 Kim was often invited by the school of his children; he seldom went to parents meetings for various reasons including the language barrier. But he knew that the real reason was his pride which could be hurt by not being able to communicate with his children’s teachers. Now at the age of 80, Kim knew that he was wrong.

All these made him shameful in front of his children. At the age  of 80, on his way back to Korea, Kim realized how lucky he was that his children succeeded in their education, found good jobs, get married with wonderful spouses and have their own children.

Kim was wondering how his children could be so successful in the absence of their parents’ help. Kim knew inside his heart that it was God’s love that explained their success.

However, one thing certain is that Kim loved his children with no conditions; God knew this; God loved Kim and his family. Kim loved his children not as his possessions; Kim did not want them to become necessarily lawyer or medical doctor; Kim wanted their children to become loving people who love neighbors through the love of God.

Kim loved his wife

Kim’s plane was half way to Korea. Sookja closed her eyes; it was difficult to know whether she was sleeping. Kim was looking at her winkled face.

Her pretty face was no more; there were wrinkles on her face; the wrinkles seemed to indicate years of hard labor and the fatigue of immigrant life.

Her silver hair seemed to tell the coming of the winter of life and at the same time the cumulated wisdom. Kim had the urge to touch her hair gently and tell her how much he loved her after all these years. But he did not.

Kim remembered the day of the first meeting surrounded by the parents of both sides. There were twelve people on each side. Kim and his wife to be were at early 2Os.

Neither Kim nor his bride-to-be had experience of dating, which was something unknown to Korean youth then. Both were terribly shy.

The conversation between the groups of people was intended to evaluate each other’s family: parents’ profession, siblings’ education, region of birth of the family head and the positive aspects of the future bride and bride-groom.

Arranged marriage was considered to be good marriage. Marriage was a contract between the families

The feeling of the couple-to-be is not really important; the love can develop after the marriage. During the exchange of mutual boasting and family marketing, neither Kim nor Sookja talked much; in fact they were not expected to talk.

 But Kim liked Sookja without knowing her. She looked intelligent, self-assured and gentle minded.

On her side, as she confessed after the marriage, found in Kim a man who had a sense of responsibility and who had healthy ambition. She thought that Kim could be a good husband and loving father to her future kids.

They dated several times after the first family evaluation. They were so shy that they could not give themselves a chance to know each other.

However, the wedding took place. Kim found a nice job; they had two babies; they led a life with no major problems.

Kim tried to define the married life with Sookja before their immigration. Amazing thing was that Kim had never analyzed and evaluated his marriage.

But, now at the age of 80, looking at her with closed eyes sitting beside him, Kim could describe his married life. In a way, Kim thought, they had no life of their own.

Their married life was a part of the extended family life. It did not matter whether two or three generations live in the same house, or the same village or the same city. It was rather the matter of the network of relations.

In the Korean society in the 1950s, every family is a sum of relations defined according to the Confucian hierarchy of human relations.

Each family member has status and role and behaves accordingly. It is true that Sookja was Kim’s wife. But she was the daughter-in-law to Kim’s parents, who were children of Kim’s grand-parents. Sookla was more a daughter-in-law than she was Kim’s wife.

Under such circumstance, it was difficult to develop a deep husband-wife relationship. Actually, Kim and his wife left Korea without any solid ground for constructive conjugal relationship. Therefore, they had to develop a new model of husband-wife relation within the immigrant life.

As soon as they arrived, the role of the wife and the husband changed rapidly. Neither Kim nor Sookja was familiar with Canadian way of life; they had to learn things at the same time. They had to share the daily work at their grocery store. They had to learn French at the same time. They had to rely on kids for the management of the depanneur after school.

All these variables required radical transformation of the traditional vertical family relations into horizontal ones. Here was the danger.

 Kim felt that he was losing his authority; Sookja felt that she was given the heavy function of co-headship of the household.

The kids saw that their father was no longer the source of authority and wisdom; they tended to respect less their father’s position in the family.

Kim did his best to cope with the problem; he talked with many to get useful ideas; he was told about cases of family break-ups; he learned that in one case, the father was kicked out by his wife and his daughter. He learned that many men spend their time on the golf course to avoid quarrels with their wives.

He remembered reading some articles on the conjugal communication. The most important basis of such relation was “love”. But what is love between husband and wife?

(다음 호에 계속)

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